Speaking out of turn


More through necessity than anything else, I still have the pleasure of holding the microphone at The Dripping Pan for every home game I attend.  Whilst the job isn’t that hard, you are forced to pay a little more attention than most fans to what is going on on the field, and such luxuries as having a pee, eating anything that requires two hands or even tweeting add an extra layer of complexity to the job.  It is a thankless, mostly dull job really but one that is essential.  In the three years that I’ve been doing the job I have had to deal with two lost children, five lost wallets, numerous cars blocking access in the car park and one request to “ring home”.  Alas, I am still waiting for my first marriage proposal or the nadir of a PA announcers career, “Mr x just to let you know you are the father of a new baby boy/girl”.

Thanks to Boysie for getting my best side

Thanks to Boysie for getting my best side

When I agreed to take it on I wanted to do it my way. No sitting up in the stand, no cheesy announcements, no muffled voices. It had to be big and bold, whilst still standing on the terraces with a pint of Harveys. Of course this leads to problems, especially when I can’t get to the bar until we have kicked off and am scared to turn my back just for a second in case I miss a bit of action.  I should do my research on pronunciation of player names but rarely do (apparently I’m still pronouncing Gus Sow’s name wrong), breaking it down phonetically and hoping I’ve got it right.  You can get too cocky though and announce something without referring to the team sheet such as the announcement of Tooting’s fourth goal scorer yesterday, Adam Cunningham….for Adam read Alexander.

Standing on the terraces does have issues though – it’s not that easy to see what’s going on at the other end.  I’ve lost count the number of times an opponent has scored and we have no idea who got the final touch.  In games when the reliable Rookmeister isn’t Tweeting in the stands I have to make a brave decision, knowing that the name I pick will be added to Football Web Pages and go down in history.  Of course we can try to find out from the opposing keeper, but they rarely know or even bother to respond.

And then there are times when you simply forget that you are doing the job as was the case yesterday when we conceded the comical second goal.  We were all so confused as to what happened that it was a good five minutes later before I remembered that I hadn’t announced it, although the handling of an own-goal is always a difficult one to decide what to do.  Should I say “own goal by Lewes number 4 Lloyd Harrington”, adding fuel to the fire of an already fuming midfielder, or should I give it to the “supplier” of the final ball?  In this case the Tooting player could hardly claim any credit for it.  Perhaps simply not announcing it was the best option, although if it was the first goal, what should I have done then as the Golden Goal competition is resting on my announcement of the time.  During the second half I bumped into an old friend, Gary Hancock, down from Tooting and started chatting to him, only realising a few minutes later than both sides had brought on substitutes unannounced.

Now that’s one aspect where I have the power of life or death. Well, sort of.  Yesterday we sold out of Golden Goal tickets meaning that two lucky punters would win £25.  I’m a bit conflicted here as I always have two tickets although I never open them until the first goal has been scored and I’ve announced the winner – I’m sure there would be a stewards enquiry if I did ever win, despite spending a King’s ransom on it over the years.

img_2858Announcing the teams is a challenge in itself.  They don’t put pronunciation guides on team sheets these days – was Tooting’s left-back “Ade-bow-ale”, “Ad-ebo-wale” or “Ade-bowal-e”?  The temptation to adopt Alan Partridge-style exclamations has so far been suppressed but it is only a matter of time before one or two slip out.

The rules keep on coming – Don’t announce the man of the match or official attendance too early – my rule is during a stop in play once we get into the 89th minute. Three years ago versus Brighton & Hove Albion in the Sussex Senior Cup, Sam Crabb was chosen and I announced the award when we were 1-0 down but then two Tom Davis specials saw us win and would’ve had won him the award. Yesterday there was an audible groan when I announced Charlie Coppola as Man of the Match, with comments like “you sure?” and “what game are you watching?” but I don’t choose the winner, I just announce it.

And finally you need to thank the away fans for attending, even if they’ve smashed up half the ground and invaded the pitch, and wish them luck for rest of season and a safe journey home.  Yesterday I made the “mistake” of suggesting we would see the Tooting & Mitcham United fans next season despite them sitting proudly on top of the table.  Or was it a mistake?

So let’s get to the game itself…

Lewes 1 Tooting & Mitcham United 5 – The Dripping Pan – Saturday 18th February 2017
Let’s start with the positives.  Our matchday poster got national media attention.  We scored the best goal of the game and the crowd of 769 was the second biggest in the Ryman League South this season and the third biggest at step 3 and 4.  Reasons to be cheerful 1, 2 and 3? Alas the 5-1 scoreline where we actively contributed to four of the goals didn’t make for a happy post-match analysis.

c4uutyaweaa-fj8It could have been so different as we should have taken the lead inside the first two minutes, as Charlie Coppola found Jonté Smith in space in the penalty area, only for the striker to see his initial strike and then his effort on the rebound saved by Kyle Merson in the Tooting goal.  Then the roles were reversed and we almost saw a Coppola headed goal as he got his head to Smith’s excellent cross.

Alas, we couldn’t take our chances and fell behind in the 26 minutes when Chace O’Neill cut inside from the right and saw his long-range effort appear to take a deflection and loop over Winterton into the top corner.  Tooting’s lead was doubled in bizarre circumstances nine minutes later, as Winterton called for the ball as he looked to claim a cross from the right, with Lloyd Harrington ducking to get out of the goalkeeper’s way, only for the ball to hit him on the back and end up in the back of the net.

We needed to score the next goal and started the second half positively but when chances presented themselves we couldn’t quite find the final touch.  On the hour mark Stacey Freeman fouled Mike Dixon in the area and former Lewes player Jordan Wilson sent Winterton the wrong way from the spot to make it 3-0 and effectively end any hope of a come-back.

Tooting increased their lead further with ten minutes remaining, as substitute Adam/Alexander Cunningham capitalised on hesitant defending to run through and finish past Winterton.  The afternoon went from bad to worse four minutes later, as Lloyd Cotton was shown a straight red card for hauling down Dixon in the penalty area as the striker looked to get his shot away with only Winterton to beat.  Wilson was pushed aside with Dunn desperate to score his first goal since returning from Greenwich Borough and he chipped the ball down the middle to make it 5-0.

Despite a small exodus of fans when that goal went in, the biggest cheer of the day came when Stephen Okoh danced through the visitors defence and rolled the ball through Merson’s legs to give us some consolation.  It was certainly a kick in the teeth but other results mean that a win on Wednesday against Dorking Wanderers (only!) could still see us rise to fourth place, our highest league position this season.

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A lesson in Public Announcing


As Saturday’s go, this was always going to be a challenge in terms of logistics. A few weeks ago I’d agreed to speak at a conference in Brussels to a large firm of IP attorneys on the subject of “Brand infringements in the digital age”. I can see you nodding off at the very thought of listening to that for 90 minutes, although it’s very entertaining stuff, even if I do say so myself. Nothing out of the ordinary about the event – I spend a lot of my time talking at similar events most weeks, but this was due to be on a Saturday. A Saturday when Lewes were at home, no less.

As luck would have it, the venue shifted to one just 2.5 miles from the airport and my speaking slot was moved forward to 10am. For once, travel logistics worked in my favour and I was able to fly from Heathrow to Brussels and back in less than 6 hours, meaning I could still make the game.

24 hours before I was due to travel I got a phone call informing me I had won tickets to watch England v Samoa at Twickenham…7pm kick off. Technically, it could be done – Leaving Lewes by 5pm I could potentially make Twickenham by 7pm but it would be tight. I couldn’t turn it down – it was “competition month” at work where we all entered one competition per day, the winner being the person who had come up trumps (and could prove it) the most times. This one would put me in the lead.

So my Saturday agenda now read:-

4.30am departure from TBIR Towers – Heathrow – Brussels Airport – Diegem – Brussels Airport – Heathrow – Lewes – Twickenham – arrive at TBIR Towers 11pm

What’s not to like about that? Well, apart from the 800 odd miles travelled of course and the fact I could have more than a beer or two during each “segment”.

The work part went smoothly, the BA lounge at Brussels airport was well stocked with Belgium beers and so I arrived back in the UK at 1pm “refreshed”. Despite the constant drizzle, the M25 and M23 behaved themselves meaning I reached The Dripping Pan in time to slip on my warm coat, pick up my clipboard and read out the teams as they took the field at 2:55pm.

image1The life of a PA announcer is pretty dull actually. Having agreed to take on the role in the summer, I wanted to do it my way. No sitting up in the stand, no cheesy announcements, no muffled voices. It had to be big and bold, whilst still standing on the terraces with a pint of Harveys. Of course this leads to problems, especially when we concede a goal at the other end.

“Keeper, who scored for you?” Is a common phrase of mine as my eyesight often fails to reach the halfway line let alone the far end of the pitch on a dark night. At least in that instance I’ve remembered I’ve got to announce the scorer. For the first few weeks doing the job I stood there waiting to hear who had scored the opening goal, and thus won the golden goal, only to realise the rest of the crowd were waiting for me to announce it.

Life on the PA system isn’t as simple as I first thought. Apparently you need to pay attention all of the time to what’s going on on the pitch. Chatting to your mates, or even going for a Jimmy Riddle can lead to embarrassing periods of silence when something has happened on the field. Taking a bite of a burger, or a sip of beer are not easy. At half-time people want half-time scores, raffles winners, next game details whilst I was a soup if tea and a slice of cake.

What is the etiquette for announcing own goal scorers? One chap told me to announce it as a goal to the last attacking player to touch the ball, someone else said simply say “own goal”. What about if you genuinely do not know who scored and there are no helpful tweeters in the ground – do you just announce who you think it was? How long should you wait to try to identify the right player based on the number of team mates giving him love? Is it “time added on” or “injury time” at the end of each half? Is it Fer-ga-ny or Ferg-any? They don’t put pronunciation guides on team sheets these days. The temptation to adopt Alan Partridge-style exclamations has so far been suppressed but it is only a matter of time before one or two slip out.

The rules keep on coming – Don’t announce the man of the match or official attendance too early. Last week versus Brighton, Sam Crabb got the award when we were 1-0 down but then two Tom Davis specials saw us win and would’ve had won him the award. Then you need to thank the away fans for attending, even if they’ve smashed up half the ground and invaded the pitch, and wish then luck for rest of season and a safe journey home.

Not that today there would be many away fans visiting The Pan. Our visitors, Witham Town, are new to this division but get modest crowds at home, and a small following away. Lewes is one of their furthest away trips (well, second longest behind Bognor Regis Town) so expectations were on the small side. Not that the club’s ambitions match the away following – they’ve adapted to life in the higher division well, enjoying a decent run in the cups including beating Lewes in the FA Cup 4-2 last month. Lewes’s recent current form of 4 wins and a draw from the last 5 games pointed to a home win. But football’s a fickle mistress sometimes and come 5 o’clock when I would be tearing back up the A23 to Twickenham, the only 3 points I may be nursing is that from a speed camera.

Lewes 2 Witham Town 2 – The Dripping Pan – Saturday 22nd November 2014
It’s fair to say that for 83 minutes this was a bit of a shocker for The Rooks. Nothing seemed to work and the visitors had scored two, probably could have had a couple more, whilst the Witham goal, well marshalled by our 2nd favourite keeper in the division, Martyn Guest who gives as good as HR gets in the banter stakes, was rarely troubled. But then seven minutes (plus injury time) of passion saw Lewes grab a share of the points.

IMG_2075The first half didn’t throw up any PA issues, although Deaks accused me of adding a sarcastic inflection in my voice when announcing there would only be two added minutes. The second half I had to re-unite a purse with their owner without actually saying what I had or whose it was. I’m still yet to deal with missing parents, cars with lights left on or any baby birth announcements but I’m sure the time will come.

Those final seven minutes saw the Rooks change their 3-5-2 formation for a 4-3-3, which immediately brought pace into the Lewes side, with Blewden, Romain and Nathan Crabb chasing every ball. Wheeler, now freed from his defensive duties, took on the full-back, moved inside, shot and Guest, unsighted as the ball moved in the air, dropped the ball and Blewden tapped in.

Four minutes of injury time were displayed. Witham were taking their time but for the umpteenth time this season a final set piece saw chaos in the box and Nathan Crabb headed home through a crowd of players. Very late goals have become a habit this season but who was complaining. I turned the microphone on and let the crowd noise fill the ground before announcing the goal.

Sometimes you get things you don’t necessarily deserve. Those events shape your character, making you stronger, constantly reinforcing the need to be fluid in preparations and execution. Whether that may be playing in the Ryman Premier League or trying to work out with player has just scored 110 yards away.

Unsung Football Heroes Part 1 -Time to hang up the mouse


We take certain things for granted these days when we go to a match.   Pitch up at any Premier League stadium these days and you will not only get a large chunk of apathy, an overpriced burger and a programme that resembles a corporate sales brochure for a new housing estate but expect to be wowed by the big screens.  Ten years ago it was only a few clubs who had screens.  Strangely enough it was clubs like Wolves, West Ham and Reading that pioneered this means of communication.  Nowadays the production on some of these screens is as good as you will see on Channel 5.

But these things take considerable preparation as well as technical skills rarely seen outside of Redmond, Washington State (aka where Microsoft are based).  We’ve been lucky enough to know one such genius for the best part of a decade.  Adam Lloyd has run the PA room and screens at the Madejski since the stadium opened in 1998.  Last month he hung up his mouse for the last time after the friendly with Wolves, and we were on hand to get an exclusive interview before any of the tabloids could pounce. Continue reading