A lesson in Public Announcing


As Saturday’s go, this was always going to be a challenge in terms of logistics. A few weeks ago I’d agreed to speak at a conference in Brussels to a large firm of IP attorneys on the subject of “Brand infringements in the digital age”. I can see you nodding off at the very thought of listening to that for 90 minutes, although it’s very entertaining stuff, even if I do say so myself. Nothing out of the ordinary about the event – I spend a lot of my time talking at similar events most weeks, but this was due to be on a Saturday. A Saturday when Lewes were at home, no less.

As luck would have it, the venue shifted to one just 2.5 miles from the airport and my speaking slot was moved forward to 10am. For once, travel logistics worked in my favour and I was able to fly from Heathrow to Brussels and back in less than 6 hours, meaning I could still make the game.

24 hours before I was due to travel I got a phone call informing me I had won tickets to watch England v Samoa at Twickenham…7pm kick off. Technically, it could be done – Leaving Lewes by 5pm I could potentially make Twickenham by 7pm but it would be tight. I couldn’t turn it down – it was “competition month” at work where we all entered one competition per day, the winner being the person who had come up trumps (and could prove it) the most times. This one would put me in the lead.

So my Saturday agenda now read:-

4.30am departure from TBIR Towers – Heathrow – Brussels Airport – Diegem – Brussels Airport – Heathrow – Lewes – Twickenham – arrive at TBIR Towers 11pm

What’s not to like about that? Well, apart from the 800 odd miles travelled of course and the fact I could have more than a beer or two during each “segment”.

The work part went smoothly, the BA lounge at Brussels airport was well stocked with Belgium beers and so I arrived back in the UK at 1pm “refreshed”. Despite the constant drizzle, the M25 and M23 behaved themselves meaning I reached The Dripping Pan in time to slip on my warm coat, pick up my clipboard and read out the teams as they took the field at 2:55pm.

image1The life of a PA announcer is pretty dull actually. Having agreed to take on the role in the summer, I wanted to do it my way. No sitting up in the stand, no cheesy announcements, no muffled voices. It had to be big and bold, whilst still standing on the terraces with a pint of Harveys. Of course this leads to problems, especially when we concede a goal at the other end.

“Keeper, who scored for you?” Is a common phrase of mine as my eyesight often fails to reach the halfway line let alone the far end of the pitch on a dark night. At least in that instance I’ve remembered I’ve got to announce the scorer. For the first few weeks doing the job I stood there waiting to hear who had scored the opening goal, and thus won the golden goal, only to realise the rest of the crowd were waiting for me to announce it.

Life on the PA system isn’t as simple as I first thought. Apparently you need to pay attention all of the time to what’s going on on the pitch. Chatting to your mates, or even going for a Jimmy Riddle can lead to embarrassing periods of silence when something has happened on the field. Taking a bite of a burger, or a sip of beer are not easy. At half-time people want half-time scores, raffles winners, next game details whilst I was a soup if tea and a slice of cake.

What is the etiquette for announcing own goal scorers? One chap told me to announce it as a goal to the last attacking player to touch the ball, someone else said simply say “own goal”. What about if you genuinely do not know who scored and there are no helpful tweeters in the ground – do you just announce who you think it was? How long should you wait to try to identify the right player based on the number of team mates giving him love? Is it “time added on” or “injury time” at the end of each half? Is it Fer-ga-ny or Ferg-any? They don’t put pronunciation guides on team sheets these days. The temptation to adopt Alan Partridge-style exclamations has so far been suppressed but it is only a matter of time before one or two slip out.

The rules keep on coming – Don’t announce the man of the match or official attendance too early. Last week versus Brighton, Sam Crabb got the award when we were 1-0 down but then two Tom Davis specials saw us win and would’ve had won him the award. Then you need to thank the away fans for attending, even if they’ve smashed up half the ground and invaded the pitch, and wish then luck for rest of season and a safe journey home.

Not that today there would be many away fans visiting The Pan. Our visitors, Witham Town, are new to this division but get modest crowds at home, and a small following away. Lewes is one of their furthest away trips (well, second longest behind Bognor Regis Town) so expectations were on the small side. Not that the club’s ambitions match the away following – they’ve adapted to life in the higher division well, enjoying a decent run in the cups including beating Lewes in the FA Cup 4-2 last month. Lewes’s recent current form of 4 wins and a draw from the last 5 games pointed to a home win. But football’s a fickle mistress sometimes and come 5 o’clock when I would be tearing back up the A23 to Twickenham, the only 3 points I may be nursing is that from a speed camera.

Lewes 2 Witham Town 2 – The Dripping Pan – Saturday 22nd November 2014
It’s fair to say that for 83 minutes this was a bit of a shocker for The Rooks. Nothing seemed to work and the visitors had scored two, probably could have had a couple more, whilst the Witham goal, well marshalled by our 2nd favourite keeper in the division, Martyn Guest who gives as good as HR gets in the banter stakes, was rarely troubled. But then seven minutes (plus injury time) of passion saw Lewes grab a share of the points.

IMG_2075The first half didn’t throw up any PA issues, although Deaks accused me of adding a sarcastic inflection in my voice when announcing there would only be two added minutes. The second half I had to re-unite a purse with their owner without actually saying what I had or whose it was. I’m still yet to deal with missing parents, cars with lights left on or any baby birth announcements but I’m sure the time will come.

Those final seven minutes saw the Rooks change their 3-5-2 formation for a 4-3-3, which immediately brought pace into the Lewes side, with Blewden, Romain and Nathan Crabb chasing every ball. Wheeler, now freed from his defensive duties, took on the full-back, moved inside, shot and Guest, unsighted as the ball moved in the air, dropped the ball and Blewden tapped in.

Four minutes of injury time were displayed. Witham were taking their time but for the umpteenth time this season a final set piece saw chaos in the box and Nathan Crabb headed home through a crowd of players. Very late goals have become a habit this season but who was complaining. I turned the microphone on and let the crowd noise fill the ground before announcing the goal.

Sometimes you get things you don’t necessarily deserve. Those events shape your character, making you stronger, constantly reinforcing the need to be fluid in preparations and execution. Whether that may be playing in the Ryman Premier League or trying to work out with player has just scored 110 yards away.

With am or without you


Every Non-League club starts the season with a dream of progression in the FA Cup.  For the players it is the thought of walking out at a Premier League (or Championship) ground, or pitting their wits against professional players.  For managers it is the thought of adding a famous scalp to their CV.  For the fans it is the thought of supporting their team in places or against clubs they would never have thought of and for the club owners it is the thought of the pot of gold that grows with every win.  More often than not all of those dreams are brought crashing down to reality by the end of September, with 540 clubs already “concentrating on the league”.  For those that have progressed from the Extra Preliminary Round, played in late August, the chances of them making it through three rounds is less than ten percent (7.3% based on last season to be precise).

IMG_1305However, those odds didn’t frighten us as we headed up the A12 to Witham for the second time in just seven weeks.  Back in August we were undone by a stand-in referee who seemed to have forgotten his cards (and rule book) and a pitch that looked as if it had gone through the same type of treatment as an Elton John hair weave, coming away with a point from our opening game.  Since then it has been a story of injury, suspension and some down-right poor refereeing.  Yes, we can all find excuses to explain our poor league form but this is the FA Cup.  Success is simply based on progression.

As a club we never budget for cup runs.  That would be a foolhardy approach, although many clubs fact in a win or two and the associated prize money into the budget.  An away draw is never a good thing at this stage in the competition (in most instances).  Despite the clubs sharing the gate receipts, attendances tend to be much lower in the cup than in the league. It seems that the magic of the FA Cup fades in the Extra Preliminary Round these days.  It seems that someone at the FA seems to have it in for Lewes when it comes to home FA Cup draws.  Out of 25 initial games we have played in the competition in the past decade (not including replays) we have been drawn at home only 8 times and only once in the past four seasons (eight ties). The good news is that we have a higher than 50% win rate on our travels in the cup.  What could possibly go wrong today?  However, whilst we still believed in the magic of the FA Cup, has it disappeared elsewhere?

On Non-League day back in early September over 2,800 squeezed into Champion Hill to see Dulwich Hamlet take on Hampton & Richmond Borough, one of the biggest attendances in the Ryman Premier League for many-a-year.  Seven days later they hosted Worthing in the First Qualifying Round of the FA Cup yet only 489, including a fair few from the South Coast, watched the game.   In Manchester, England’s biggest fan-owned Non-League club, FC United of Manchester struggled to break the 1,000 mark for their tie against Prescott Cables, almost 50% down on their average Evostik Premier League crowd. Likewise on the same day at Nywood Lane, just over 400, with a significant following from Lewes, watched Bognor Regis Town’s local derby.  Last season the corresponding league game saw 603 watch the Boxing Day game.

Football doesn’t exactly get the pulses racing in these parts – in fact the sheer number of clubs playing at this level in the area probably hinders rather than helps them.  Just a short drive away from the Village Glass Stadium there is Heybridge Swifts, Maldon & Tiptree, Burnham Ramblers and Ryman League North new boys, Brightlingsea Regent.  However, surely the whole village of Witham (population 25,532) would be out supporting their side today?  Who knows, perhaps the town’s most famous residents, Olly Murs and Dotty Cotton would come along, rattle in hand to cheer on the The Town?  I don’t think so but the FA Cup can do strange things to teams and their fans.

IMG_1294After Wednesday night’s game against VCD Athletic, it was hard to see how Lewes could actually put a team out based on the number of injuries they had.  I think it was touch and go whether Garry Wilson considered giving me the nod although my knee operation on Monday would have put pay to my long-overdue FA Cup debut.  However, the Lewes Lunatic Fringe would be out in force, putting the indifferent league form to one side and dreaming of a home tie against East Preston in the next round.  The script was all but written.

Witham Town 4 Lewes 2 – The Village Glass Stadium – Saturday 27th September 2014
What did I write earlier?  Ah yes, “What could go wrong?” Well how about everything!  The FA Cup holds no magic on days like these.  Played off the park by a team who had 10 men for a third of the game, scoring one of our goals because an idiot of an official decided to give a penalty (to us) for an offence that nobody in the ground saw and seeing players bicker with each other.  It wasn’t a good day.  Take nothing away from Witham – they kept their shape, played to their strengths, were as hospitable as they come and their goal-keeper once again got stuck into the banter with us from the first whistle – Martyn Guest always a pleasure.

Thirty minutes after the final whistle, the Lewes team were still sat on the pitch, taking part in an “interactive” heart to heart.  Under normal circumstances this was a bad day, but defeat in a winnable game cost the club £4,500 in prize money as well as the possibility of a decent home tie in the next round.  Whether all of the players really understood what was at stake when the game kicked off is unclear.  However, Lewes started sharply and should have been ahead early doors when Terry Dodd flicked an effort over the bar.

Boysie, the club snapper,  turned up late.  We pretended that we were already 1-0 up, all sticking to our story.  Of course he didn’t believe us, and soon we were 1-0 down.  One became two when Brinkhurst clattered into a Witham forward in the area.  No question that it was a penalty, although the referee, who whilst he didn’t impact the final score was as poor as you will see at this level, booked Rikki Banks for kicking the ball back to the centre circle which hit a Witham player on the way.  He soon angered the home fans by giving a penalty to Lewes – I cannot even speculate what it was for as no one saw any offence.  Dixon stepped up and made it 2-1 at the break.

IMG_1296One bright spot for the travelling Lewes fans was the appearance of Jack Walder at the start of the second half.  Walder had been out since he dislocated his ankle at Thamesmead Town back in March and his return would surely lift the team?  Alas a few minutes later a mix up between Brinkhurst and Banks that will be a cert on one of those crap “guffs” DVDs voiced by Chris Moyles gave Witham a 3-1 lead.  Three one?  Make that four minutes after the home side were reduced to ten men.  Game over, start the bus.

We still had time to miss a couple of sitters before Blewden pulled a goal back to make the score line a little more respectable.  But this defeat hurt.  More so than any other game this season.  Not just for the financial consequences but because of the performance.  The magic of the FA Cup certainly wasn’t floating around the Lewes dressing room today.

So Witham Town join a growing list of teams who have embarrassed the Rooks in recent years in the FA Cup.  Still, there is always the Ryman League Cup to look forward to.

Back on the long and winding road to ultimate disappointment


It’s a glamorous life sometimes.  Commonwealth Games one week, the luxury of being a guest in an executive box at the Schalke Cup, a visit to see the New York Cosmos and then hobnobbing with the world’s press fawning over Gareth Bale in the Super Cup final. Hard life, some may say.  But I’d swap it all for a bit of Non-League action.  Well, maybe not all of it.

14872309423_d2ca07abff_zSo sandwiched between the MetLife Stadium, New Jersey and the Cardiff City Stadium, in er Cardiff, is a trip to the Village Glass Stadium, Witham.  I can imagine your thoughts are racing, heartbeat speeding up and a few more butterflies fluttering in your stomach. Or is it just me.

The new Ryman Premier League season is upon us once more and The Mighty Rooks are on the road on day one, travelling down the A12 to visit newly promoted Witham.  Let’s get the main fact about ‘The Town’ out of the way early shall we? Olly Murs once graced the turf here in his pre-billy big balls days.  Few Non-League teams can boast an X-Factor runner-up as one of their old boys but that’s no excuse for playing his songs as part of the pre-match entertainment. That would just be cruel on us visitors.  Just like those 100,000 Chelsea fans who were all in the Allianz Arena two years ago when they won the Champions League, thousands of Murs fans saw him make his September against Waltham Abbey six years ago and double that witnessed his one and only goal for the club a week later at Potters Bar Town. Perhaps one day there will be a Louis Tomlinson-style take over the club (or not)? Stranger things have happened.

After a shaky couple of pre-season results, the Rooks new-look team began to gel, earning very credible draws against big sides like Eastbourne Borough and Charlton Athletic. Oh, and Whitehawk.  However, the side that would take the field today against Witham would look very different due to injuries to key players like Jack Walder, still getting back to full fitness after his horrific injury at Thamesmead in March, and the impressive Henry Muggeridge.  Also missing in the centre of the park would be the suspended Jack Dixon.  Still we always had Fraser Logan as cover there….except judging by his Instagram snaps, Fraser was a few hundred miles away in a sunny beach with his family. That is of course unless it was Clacton-On-Sea rather than Kos.  We were also going to be missing our physio Natalie who chose to get married instead of working at our game last week at Eastbourne. Priorities, eh!

14869072015_fd1bc59c90_zThis is the best Saturday of the year in Non-League calendar.  All of the hopes and dreams of a record-breaking season are still alive at 2.59pm – longer in a number of cases.  The sun is shining, the banter is fresh, we can excuse a bad pass or two and even Terry’s jokes are bearable.  We all know that it will never last and soon we will be caught up in a spiral of frustration as our dreams, in the words of many a West Ham fan, “fade and die”.

My long journey to Essex started at midnight when I boarded a flight from JFK to Heathrow.  Six hours later and I was kissing the tarmac in London.  If only our transport network was so efficient.  Three hours, FIVE trains later and I was back at TBIR Towers.  A short re-introduction to the family and I was back in the car, this time re-acquainting myself with the M25 as it crawled at 10 miles per hour north. When I eventually arrived at the, deep breath, Village Glass Stadium, I had spent six hours travelling since landing early.  But I’m sure come 5pm it would all be worth it.

Witham Town 1 Lewes 1 – The Village Glass Stadium – Saturday 9th August 2014
You can look at this result in one of two ways.  Any draw away from home when the conditions aren’t suited to your style of play and you have a number of key players missing, is a good result.  Alternatively, you can look at the balance of play and the fact you had the best chances and go away disappointed.  On the whole I would say that our view moved from the latter at full time to the former on the long journey home a view shared by the Lewes Manager, Garry Wilson twenty minutes after the final whistle.

We all gathered in hope behind the goal as the Lewes team, wearing their new “bright” kit that brought Barcelona so much luck a few seasons ago.  The pitch, to coin a James Boyes, was like a “deep shagpile carpet made of straw”, seeming to be suffering from the effects of the sun so early in the season. Lewes had managed to extract Fraser Logan from a bar in Kardamena at 3am and he anchored the midfield, allowing the new strike force of Blewden and Dodd to run the two centre-backs ragged in the first twenty minutes.  Both defenders were yellow carded for heavy tackles in the first half an hour, one of which forced Ross Treleaven out of the game, adding more woes to our midfield situation.

Lewes started well, using Wheeler on the wing to get behind the defence and putting the balls into the box for Dodd and Blewden although their efforts were well saved by the Witham keeper, who was firmly in the banter bracket, enjoying giving as good as he got with the travelling fans.  Nothing nasty, all good-hearted and of course he was clapped off the pitch by us all at the end of the game.

14682454688_29960b2b9b_zThe club had recently had the bad news of the death of their chairman and he would have been proud to see how resolutely they played in the remainder of the half.  The home side should really have scored themselves when Ryan Blackman blazed over the bar from eight yards out with the goal at his mercy.

After a swift slice of cake, served with a cheeky smile by the ladies in the boardroom we were back at it.  Finally Lewes broke the deadlock when Dodd’s effort was blocked and strike-partner Blewden smashed it home from close range.  Alas, the lead just lasted seven minutes when Banks hesitated and Godbold headed home.  Witham were now holding their own, looking dangerous when they came forward and being cheered on by the hundred or so home fans.

The drama was over though.  As the clock ticked towards the 90th minute a high ball over the top of the Witham defence saw Nathan Crabb get in from of Ruel who appeared to deliberately run into the Lewes forward felling him in the penalty area.  The Witham defender, using every trick in the book stayed down until the referee stopped play as Lewes were preparing another assault on the Town goal.

That was the last chance.  The Rooks had to make do with a point, coming away from Essex with another injury that will hamper team selection for the two games coming in the next week against AFC Hornchurch and Billericay Town, two sides who tend to play on the physical side.  But football is BACK.  Who cares about traffic jams, delayed trains and bobbly pitches.  The season is well and truly underway once again.

Every rain cloud has a silver lining


8562024643_b5e486dda7_bWhen a complete stranger addresses you for the first time with “Are you a copper?” you immediately think that you are definitely in the wrong place.  Welcome to Ilford FC.  Not the normal welcome you would expect from a turnstile operator, but this one was giggling away, sipping a Stella.  A huge grin spread over his face as he then said “I’m guilty of being an Ilford fan”.  I breathed a huge sigh and handed over my £10.

I’d been to Ilford FC before for twenty minutes.  It was enough time.  A dull 0-0 draw back in September against Thamesmead Town played in an unloved athletics stadium.  I didn’t think I would be back here in a hurry but here I was walking into the Cricklefield Stadium.

Beggars can’t be choosers in the non leagues these days.  Winter, which started back in October still had its grip firmly on the fixture list.  I was supposed to be standing on the terraces at Hayes Lane, watching Lewes take on Cray Wanderers.  But I wasn’t.  I was here.  I was loving life.  My plan B (Corinthian Casuals), C (Walton & Hersham), D and (Lordswood) had all gone the same way as Cray.  Scrambling around for another option at 2pm my eye was drawn back to Ilford.  Had I been a bit too harsh before?  I’m all for giving someone a second chance and so I headed east to the metropolis known as Ilford. Continue reading

The silent H


Looking around for a game to go to on Saturday morning I took inspiration from my daughter, who was happily playing with her Moshi Monsters (21st century version of Weebles  in my view) singing to herself about her Heart Skipping a Beat.

8501817584_2f35b1ab3f_b“Where should I go today, Bella?”

“I know, let’s all go to Witam!”

I had no idea where she was talking about, unless she was referring to Witton, which of course we all known is just a part of Northwich and home to Witton Albion.  So I asked her why she had suggested such a strange thing.

“Oh my Goodness, me and you – the Army of Two – let’s go to Witham! I know you are Busy, and you know I am a bit of a Troublemaker but Please Don’t Let Me Go to Ikea with Mum.  I’m wearing my Heart on My Sleeve and I want to go with you”

At this point my eldest daughter came in the room and gave her little sister a round of applause.  It appeared that they had a childish competition to see who could get the most song titles from one artist in one sentence.  I mean, what a ridiculous game.  Who on earth would play a game like that, especially in a national newspaper report (let’s move on quickly).  I Still had no idea who she was trying to refer to.

“Dad, you are so square.  She is talking about Olly Murs” Continue reading